Dear Brooke, my husband and I have been together for 15 years; married for 11 years. We started off great, and our sex drives really matched. However, after the birth of our first kid, sex from his end really dwindled. We went through a dry spell for about five years. He has come around now. However, he stopped going down on me since I gave birth (even though it was not vaginal birth).
I have tried everything- talking, seducing, wine, getting angry, fighting. He always finds an excuse not to do it. Now I feel lost about how I should feel even when he touches down there. I just feel like I can give myself orgasms and not depend on him. I often wonder if I should have sex outside of marriage to make me feel complete again.
I don't want to feel like this. We have great a relationship otherwise. We are best friends and love to do everything together. Please help!"
We all get itches that need to be scratched, and it's hard when your spouse isn't in the mood to scratch it.
Married and long-term couples go through sex droughts all the time, and according to a sex therapist and intimacy coach, Rachel Smith, kids can be a big part of that.
I mean, it's hard enough to find time to get sexy between working eight hours, keeping your house clean, getting your beauty sleep and maintaining a social life, but throw a family into the mix, and it can be near impossible.
You might be able to get the act done and dusted in a quick 10 minutes, but do you have the energy or desire to do it?
Smith says sex droughts are most common in couples after childbirth and that most couples report having the least satisfying sex lives during that time, so you're not alone.
As a single woman in my 20s, I go through dry sex spells, and I don't have any kids running around taking up my time or invading my bedroom with bad dreams, so I can only imagine how challenging it is for married couples.
The fact that your husband's lack of sex drive started after kids isn't surprising, and when it comes to why your hubby won't go downtown, the answer may be a bit more complicated.
Smith says that your husband may view your vagina as a sacred space now that you've brought his kids into the world and that he may even be dealing with the Madonna whore complex – which is basically the idea that in viewing you as a mother, who should be revered and respected, he no longer sees you as a sexual being.
"The Madonna complex is kind of like they're putting their wives on this pedestal, and now they're this pure being that [they] can't look at or consider in a sexual way," says Smith.
This may be why your husband is having a hard time getting his sex drive going, although it could also be a physical issue with his hormones or ability to maintain an erection, in which case seeing a urologist may be a beneficial route to rule out any physical factors.
If it is an emotional issue, you may want to look into his own relationship with his mother and how he views family and marriage, but Smith says shifting these views or perspectives can be difficult.
Trying to encourage a partner to be in the mood is also a balancing act. You have to respect your partner when they say no to sex while also encouraging space for you and them to connect and be intimate.
"Oftentimes, when we get stuck in those roles of being a parent, then we forget that we were partners first. And so one of the things that I stress to my clients is that you were partners before you were parents."
It sounds like seduction, fighting, and wine isn't getting you anywhere, so it may be time to try scheduling sex and talking about your intimate life outside of the bedroom.
How do I make time for my partner after kids?
Smith says making time for sex is a big problem for couples and that putting it on the calendar and carving out time for intimacy can actually help.
"For parents, when there are so many roles and responsibilities and moving parts, and so many things that we have to pay attention to, the relationship, especially the sexual relationship, goes on the back burner. When that's the thing that can really keep the bond strong."
So even though it may not seem super sexy to plan sex, it may be beneficial to try and book out some time in advance for you and your husband to reconnect.
Whether that's a date night where a babysitter takes your kids for the night or an hour or two or while they are out of the house on a play date.
When it comes to sex and getting your husband excited to get down and dirty again, you may need to change how you both view and associate sex in your relationship.
Since you went through a dry spell of five years, there may be negative associations with sex, according to Smith.
During that dry spell, there may have been some tension in your relationship and negative build-up towards not having it.
So you might need to counteract this and have some positive conversations and try and build up positive anticipation towards sex instead.
Smith encourages couples to have sex talk outside of the bedroom in a neutral spot, like on a walk, where you can share what you love that your partner does and ask how they feel about your sex life and what they may want.
If you do want to bring up an issue, Smith recommends using the burger technique, where you pad a critique or feedback between compliments.
How do you trigger desire in a marriage?
Smith explained that there are two types of desire – spontaneous desire and responsive desire so your first step may be figuring out what your husband has.
"Spontaneous desire is when we have the mental, emotional wanting of sex first, and then our bodies respond very quickly thereafter. It can kind of seem simultaneous," Smith explains.
People with spontaneous desire tend to have sex on the brain more frequently and initiate sex, whereas people with responsive desire respond physically first, and then their mental desire to have sex has to catch up.
Smith says that people with responsive desire will often enjoy themselves once they are actually having sex and think," 'Oh, wow, that was great. I don't know why I don't want that more often.'"
Smith explained that in a committed, loving relationship, someone with responsive desire may need to be open to exploring stimulation when they're not initially in the mood in order to get in the mood.
"He has to recognize that just because I don't want it right now doesn't mean I can't be open to seeing what happens in these moments where my body is experiencing stimulation and arousal."
Smith says that older men also have the challenge of having an emotional desire to have sex, but their physical bodies may not be responding like they used to in their 20s, so there is a disconnect between the two.
Men also have a lot of societal pressure when it comes to sex, so dealing with a problem like erectile dysfunction or feeling sexually inadequate can be challenging.
So if your husband has a responsive desire, the key may be just to carve out time where you can enjoy each other and reconnect with intimate touch and see where the mood takes you without any expectations and find out what turns your husband on.
Should you ever cheat on your spouse?
Cheating is almost always a sticky situation – and not the fun kind.
I totally get that you may be feeling really sexually rejected, and it sounds like your husband's disinterest in sex is even making you feel checked out and maybe even at odds with your own body.
Sexual rejection hurts, and being with someone who has a lower sex drive can make you feel really frustrated, but cheating could wreck your otherwise happy marriage and family.
While you might be able to get away with cheating initially, there is the issue of potentially catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI), your husband finding out later on, and the guilt you may feel afterward.
When it comes to whether or not you should cheat, Smith says you have to weigh the option and really consider if it's worth potentially ruining your marriage.
Open relationships are also a lot more common these days so if your husband isn't as interested in a sexual relationship depending on how open-minded he is, bringing another sexual partner into the mix could be a possibility.
So before you cheat, you may want to consider all of your options.
Cheap relationship advice
It's clear that you have a lot on your plate, and from what you wrote, you just want your husband to be your best friend and your lover.
After speaking with Smith, I think there are a few steps you can take moving forward to make that happen.
If possible, I would try and book a getaway for you and your husband to reconnect without kids, whether for a weekend or just a date night on the town where you have time alone together.
I'd take the opportunity to explore your intimacy and open up a positive conversation about what you both like and would like more of sexually and build up that positive association with sex outside of the bedroom.
Maybe go for a walk after dinner and chat about your sex life, and if you're going to give some constructive feedback, make sure to pad it out with compliments.
I'd also consider bringing in toys that can stimulate oral sex that your husband could use on you if he's not interested in performing oral to enrich your sexual life.
Or if your husband is open to it per Smith's suggestion, look into possibly opening up your marriage or even attending a sex club together where someone else might be able to fulfill that need.
In your everyday life, I'd start trying to schedule sex with your husband without an end destination in mind.
(Sex doesn't always have to be the cookie-cutter penis in the vagina or whatever iteration of penetration you're into).
It can be whatever feels good and give you a sense of intimacy, and this might elevate some of the pressure, according to Smith.
I'd also encourage your husband to see a urologist to rule out anything to do with his hormones or physical well-being.
When it comes to if you should cheat, no judgment if you do, but I'd encourage you to try and water your own grass first before looking into other pastures.
It seems like you have a beautiful marriage outside of sex, and with some loving conversations, scheduled sex, and maybe even tweaks away from monogamy, you may be able to fulfill that need without putting your relationship in jeopardy.
This article's cover image was used for illustrative purposes only.
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
Cheaper Than Therapy is a spicy column and video series hosted by Brooke Houghton where readers can share their own anonymous questions and get expert advice for free. Brooke speaks from her own experiences as a single 20-something woman in Toronto and brings on expert guests from therapists to celebrities to help solve your relationship, sex and love issues. So if you can't afford therapy from an actual professional, ask her a question here and tune in next month for another episode of Cheaper Than Therapy.
