Having Sex With Someone New? These 7 Questions Will Set You Up For A Much Happier Ending

Can we get STI testing together?

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are nothing to be ashamed of, but you do need to talk about them.

Sexual health is so important, and before you enjoy a new sexual experience, you want to make sure both you and your new partner are respecting each other's sexual safety.

Smith says the most important conversation to have with a sexual partner is about STIs.

She says that you should ask your partner when was the last time they were tested and if they are comfortable going to get tested together before engaging in sex.

If you and your partner choose to get tested separately, Smith says you may want to ask your partner to swap results.

However, you should still be using protection for all sex acts regardless of whether or not you and your partner have been tested, according to Smith, and it's not just to protect against human immunodeficiency virus (HIV.)

"It's not just about HIV. It's about chlamydia, gonorrhea, HPV, it's about a lot of different STIs."

It's also important to disclose to your partner if you are living with any STIs and what that looks like for their sexual safety so they can make an informed decision on whether or not they want to have sex and vice versa.

If someone doesn't want to use protection, Smith suggests you just "exit stage left."

Can I... 🍑🍆💦?

Consent is sexy, and you should be asking for it regularly before and throughout sex.

Smith says that every person is entitled to consent to what they're participating in, and she finds women often don't think they need to ask for consent in heterosexual situations.

So regardless of gender, in any situation, you should be prompting your partner for consent, especially before trying something new.

If you're unsure of how to introduce consent and talk throughout your sexual practice, don't worry, it doesn't have to be a formal contract. You just need to check in with your partner and respect that consent can be taken away and given at any time.

You can make it sexy by just saying, "Can I do XYZ?" or "Would you like it if I did XYZ?" or "If I kiss you there, would that be hot?"

Be aware of your partner's physical cues and verbally check in on them.

What do you like and what don't you like in bed?

Kinks, turn-ons and turnoffs are different for everybody, and each new sexual partner is a Rubik's cube to figure out.

You may have had a sexual routine with a prior partner who loved dirty talk and anal foreplay, but that doesn't mean your new partner will be game.

Smith says you should talk about what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with before jumping into the sack for the best experience.

"I think a big part people may not take into as much consideration is that what you might have used to do with somebody else your new partner may not like. So being able to have that dialogue of what you like, what you enjoy, and what are your hard nos."

What are your emotional expectations?

Sex and feelings often come hand in hand – even in the most casual hookups. (We've all seen Friends With Benefits, right?)

So before you have sex, Smith says it's important to check in with yourself about what you want out of the experience and communicate that to your partner, and ask them what they're looking for.

Do you want a hot one-time hookup, a casual relationship or a committed relationship?

Getting to the bottom of your expectations and theirs can help manage your emotional expectations and inform whether you actually want to continue in a sexual relationship.

"I say it's important because you don't want to be doing something just for the other person. You don't want to be just pleasing the other partner or just going along with it because that's what they want."

"It's important to know what you want and then going in and talking to that partner. That way, you are both on the same page and very clear about what the arrangement is — whether it's exclusive, casual, or a one-time hookup."

Do you have any sexual trauma?

​Sexual trauma can be a sensitive topic, but it's good to gently bring it up with your partner to be aware and sensitive to any possible triggers, according to Smith.

Smith suggests you approach this topic and ask your partner if they have any sexual trauma, whether that be sexual abuse, domestic violence, or anything traumatic that has impacted them.

"Somebody might have had a previous assault, and so they may not be willing to do a particular act that could give a trigger response or a trauma response," explained Smith.

Smith says it's important to ask your partner but that it's equally important not to pry whether they say yes or no.

"Don't push them to share what it was. They may not feel comfortable with that yet. Most of the time, if they feel comfortable, they will disclose it."​

Are you sleeping with anyone else?

In the age of dating apps, almost everyone is talking to more than one person, but if you're getting naked with each other, you'll want to know if they're sleeping with other people too.

Smith says it's important to know if you are sexually exclusive with a partner so you can establish whether their other partners are also being tested for STIs.

Smith recommends having open communication and establishing whether or not getting physical means you're still open to other sexual partners.

"I think those are very important conversations to have so that both parties or multiple parties who might be having sex together are all informed about what's happening and who is having sex with who and also knowing if your partner is having sex outside of your interaction, that their other partners are also tested."

If your partner is having sex with other people, you can ask for their other partner's test results, or if you don't trust them, choose not to have sex with them or continue using protection.

Are you comfortable being filmed?

Smith says you should bring up consent around recording sexual interactions.

"It's important in this day and age of technology to also bridge that conversation of 'I don't feel comfortable with being taped or recorded during any sexual act,' and you have to have those conversations now because people have cameras up in their homes and people are content creators."

On the other hand, if you are comfortable being recorded, Smith says it's important to be very open about anything that may be taped or recorded so your privacy is protected.