The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
Now before I get all self-righteous here as a modern woman, the truth is, I have ghosted.
I'm not proud of it, but when I first started dating after my last relationship, commitment felt terrifying, and after the first or second date, I'd often feel overwhelmed and the thought of sending a breakup text was unpalatable, to say the least.
I mean, what do you really owe someone after a few chance encounters? Sending a big text riddled with cliches like "It's not you, it's me," or "You're wonderful, but..." just felt disingenuous and icky, and the thought of hurting someone's feelings left my stomach in knots.
So I just avoided it altogether by conveniently being "very busy" with work and telling myself I'd get back to the message later until weeks had gone by.
Nowadays, as a seasoned single girl, I try and be as straightforward as possible, and if it's been more than a few dates, I'll always follow up and politely disclose I'm no longer interested – but if it's a really bad date (which doesn't happen too often), I will still ghost (hey, I never said I was perfect).
But even though I've gotten wiser with time, the hard and fast rules of when ghosting is okay, if ever, still feel blurry to me. So I wanted to see what other twenty-something Canadians had to say about their ghosting experiences and opinions and put a callout on my own Instagram as well as Narcity's.
From being ghosted to ghosting and even their own rules around the phenomenon, here are nine responses we got from Canadians.
24, She/Her, Toronto
"I met this guy from Tinder and went on six dates with him for roughly a month and a half. He met my mom and everything."
"After a month and a half of dating, I decided to ask him where we are at with our relationship. I got no response. The next day I text again, and nothing. So I went on nice dates and wasted time all for nothing."
22, He/Him, Sault Ste. Marie, ON
"Ghosting leads to more questions than answers. Honesty goes a long way."
26, She/Her, Toronto, ON
"A guy planned a date with me twice and then went MIA the whole day and three days following, messages back after saying 'Uh oh, I thought I responded wondered why you didn't.'"
24, She/Her, Vancouver, B.C.
"Ghosting is more than allowed within two weeks [or] two dates with someone."
22, She/Her Toronto, ON
"Man ghosted me and then said it was because he was falling for my best friend."
25, She/Her, Toronto, ON
"I think some things are a little better left unsaid. After one date or two, it's acceptable. But anything more than two dates I think it's disrespectful."
23, She/Her, Vancouver, B.C.
"One time, I was sleeping with a guy for three months, and then out of the blue, he ghosted me for two weeks and then hit me up at 11 p.m. one night saying 'Hey,' and I responded the next day because I knew what he wanted and he just goes 'Just wanted to see if you were up.'"
26, He/Him, Scarborough, ON
After a bad first date where he ghosted, this person has since had a change of heart.
"But in my opinion, I would just tell someone now that I don't see it working out rather than ghosting since personally, I've had it happen to me multiple times, and sometimes it's better to be let down [and] just know you aren't that person's type."
28, She/Her, Sainte-Thérèse, QC
"We dated for three months when out of the blue after Valentines Day he ghosted me for a week."
Across the board, I think it's easy to summarize that being ghosted sucks, and the longer the relationship, the harder the ghosting hits.
Out of the Canadians I spoke to, the common theme of ghosting seems to be that after one or two dates, ghosting is still acceptable – albeit not the best in some situations.
But what's the professional take on ghosting?
I chatted with psychotherapist Kristina Virro, and she says that ghosting actually tends to be more hurtful than just breaking things off.
(If you feel called out right now and a little guilty, I'm right there with you.)
"Among my patients who are actively dating, their main reasons for ghosting tend to be that they want to avoid an uncomfortable situation, have simply lost interest in the person, and or are worried about hurting someone's feelings," said Virro.
"However, I can tell you that ghosting tends to be more hurtful and confusing than honesty," she explained. "In fact, most people really struggle with the ambiguity of the situation when they've been ghosted."
Virro said that ghosting may be more common nowadays because people think of romantic partners as more disposable with the rise of dating apps.
"I think of the 'sunk cost fallacy,' which is defined as our reluctance to stop pursuing something due to the amount of time, energy, or money we've put into a situation or person, even if changing our course would be more beneficial," she shared. "I think the opposite logic applies here, where the less energy and time you've committed to someone makes you far less likely to take the extra time to send them that 'it's-not-going-to-work' message."
So, for example, if you're meeting someone for the first time on a dating app, you've put fairly minimal energy and time into that person, so why even bother with a text after if you don't plan on seeing them again?
Virro explained that because ghosting is so common now, it allows people to do it without feeling as guilty because it's become so normalized.
But instead of leaving a text or call unanswered after a date, Virro said you should just send a short and sweet message.
"Rather than ghosting someone, consider saying something succinct like, 'Thanks so much for the date, but I don't see this being anything more than a friendship. I'm someone who values being honest, so I'd rather let you know than ghost.'"
So if you're a serial ghoster, do better and give that message a good old copy and paste the next time you need it.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
